


2000 Light Years from Home

by orphan_account



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Destroy Ending, F/M, Heartbreak, Indoctrination Theory, Renegade Commander Shepard, Shepard thinks he was being indoctrinated, i mean kinda, legit everyone is just as confused as shepard is, starchild is a fricken liar, the geth survive
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-02
Updated: 2017-04-02
Packaged: 2018-08-09 07:35:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 18,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7792531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Reapers are defeated and Shepard is alive. But his crew is gone, and he has no idea if they are alive. Turian, Krogan, Salarian, Asari, Quarian; all stuck on Earth. How long will the peace Shepard made last now that the Reapers are gone? </p><p> </p><p>Meanwhile, the crew of the Normandy is stuck on a jungle planet. How long can they survive there? How long can Tali hold onto the hope that Shepard is alive? Will the crew ever be in touch with other people again? With space travel screwed up from the blast, there is no answer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Together We Cry

Every bone in his body felt like it had been replaced by hot metal. His skin felt like it was covered in acid. He wanted to scream, to cry, to beg for them to end it... But he couldn't. He became aware of something down his throat. Probably a tube, but he was in too much pain to move and find out.

_The Reapers! I must have been captured. I'm being turned into a husk!_

Panicked, Shepard thrashed around, but within seconds something cool flooded his veins and darkness claimed him.

* * *

 

He felt like he was floating around in space, but was aware of his body. Of his surroundings. He could hear machines. Beeping. But also people talking, quietly.

Shepard had been in wartime, make shift hospitals. There were usually grim voices, people panicking, and sounds of distant gunfire. But there was none of that here.

With great effort, and determination to escape reaper captivity, Shepard propped himself up on an elbow and looked around.

The first thing he noticed was the cleanliness. This was a place designed for long term stay, for healing, for rehabilitation. This wasn't a place where they patched you up to send you back home, or made you comfortable so you could die quietly. This was where they sent you when the war ended and you had won.

Relief made him weak. His arm gave out and he fell back onto the bed, pain shooting through his body as he did.

The pain faded slowly, but Shepard kept looking around. There were doctors everywhere. Of all species. Working on patients of all species. The only place he had seen any co-operation remotely like this was on the Citadel.

The Citadel...

What the fuck had happened there? His memory about everything after the charge to the beam was fuzzy, and overshadowed by the god awful noise the Reapers made.

A violent shudder overtook Shepard's body, and he floated into darkness again.

* * *

 

“He was awake the other day,” someone said. “He sat up for a moment. One of the nurses saw him. By the time a doctor got to him he had passed back out though,” the person said.

“But he isn't brain dead, or in a coma?” a second voice asked. Shepard recognized that voice.

“No,” the first voice replied. “He was in a medically induced coma for the first month. This gave us a chance to repair his implants and let the injuries heal without him... Suffering. After that the coma was, well, organic. We think his mind was unable to cope with the events, the pain, and the healing, although we cannot be sure. But the fact that he was awake is good.”

Shepard struggled to place the second voice, as the owner of it cleared their throat. “And what about the first time he awoke? You said, at the time, he was likely delusional.”

“Yes, as well as in excruciating pain. It's likely that with less pain he was able to see sense. To see reality,” the first voice sounded nervous. Numbly, Shepard realized this was probably the voice of a doctor.

“After everything...” the second voice trailed off, and suddenly Shepard placed the voice.

“Hackett?” he groaned. His eyes felt glued shut. “What happened?” he croaked. “The Reapers... The Normandy...?”

“Shepard!” astonishment rang in Hackett's voice. “You're alive!”

Shepard groaned. “The Reapers?” he asked.

Hackett knew what he meant. “Defeated,” he said. “We won. You did it.”

Shepard frowned, both in confusion and pain. “But how?” he mumbled. He struggled to recall what had happened on the Citadel, but once again the Reaper noise tore though his skull.

“Sir, Shepard needs more time to recover emotionally before you can question him,” the doctor said.

Hackett and the doctor were still speaking, but Shepard wasn't paying attention. He was attempting to piece together what had happened on the Citadel.

 

* * *

 

“We've explored our immediate surroundings, and it doesn't look like we are in any immediate danger. I think for right now we need to patch ourselves up, rest, and mourn our losses,” Garrus looked at Tali and Joker. “We'll have a ceremony for them as soon as we're able,” he said. He moved on quickly looking at Doctor Michel. “How much of the med bay was damaged in the fire?” he asked.

“Damage to the med bay was minimal. The fire was mostly contained to the AI core. All of our supplied are salvageable,” she responded.

“Good. And our food?” Garrus asked, turning to the mess Sargent.

“None of our food was lost in the crash. Although we are low on Amino Dexterous food and if this planet doesn't have any on it then... And even if it does then the rest of the crew would likely star-”

Garrus interrupted him. “Enough. We can deal with supply issues tomorrow. Right now we need to patch ourselves up and rest.”

The rest of the crew was too in shock, too numb, and too sad, to protest.

* * *

 

“The food on this planet is eatable. The crew won't starve. The bad news is that the only amino dexterous food we have is what we had on board at the time of the crash and there isn't even much of that,” Doctor Michel said. The crew was gathered in the mess hall of the crashed Normandy, discussing their plan for survival.

Garrus nodded firmly. “Right. I'll continue on starvation rations until we're rescued then,” he said.

“If Garrus is doing it then so am I,” Tali said. “With both of us on starvation rations we can both survive for longer.”

“Yeah. Unless you eating less makes you more prone to infection or something. In which case you'll probably die faster,” Joker's voice was practically emotionless.

“I'm a Quarian, Joker. I'm always prone to infection. I'll take my chances,” Tali's voice left no room for argument, but Joker did roll his eyes in response.

“And the rest of us? Should we all go on starvation rations?” Traynor asked.

“Nah. Scars and Sparks are the only ones,” James grinned at Garrus. “The rest of us can hunt and eat like kings.”

“I wouldn't go that far, Mr. Vega,” Cortez chimed in. “If you're the one hunting we may all starve.”  
Garrus and the rest of the crew laughed, although for some it was halfhearted.

“I think before we work out who's doing what we need to do something,” he looks around the room, making eye contact with a few people. “The memorial for Shepard and EDI.”

* * *

 

Tali had found Shepard's sweater in his cabin, and had taken it as her own. A memory of him. Something that could make her feel safe, and warm, and loved, even though he wasn't there.

They were going to bury EDI's body, and Liara thought that maybe they could bury Shepard's sweater too, since they had no body.

Tali refused. The sweater was a piece of Shepard she could never get rid of. Or at least, not while the wounds were so fresh.

 

* * *

 

EDI's grave was little more than a hole on the bank of a river. It was shallow and just barely long enough.

“I appreciate the effort,” Joker said, as James and Garrus piled sand on to EDI's remains. “But I honestly... This should take place on the ship. This just feels wrong.”

* * *

 

Joker sat her name on the memorial wall of the Normandy, then turned to face the remaining crew.

“EDI. You know, when we first got the ship from Cerberus and I found out they had installed and AI on my ship I was more than a little pissed. I didn't trust EDI at all, either. I spent most of our so called suicide mission not trusting her at all. As it turns out, that was a big mistake. She ended up saving me, and the ship, when the collectors attacked. Without her... The Normandy would have been lost and Shepard wouldn't have been able to stop the Reapers,” Joker wiped at his face, trying to hide his tears. “You may have made fun of me for loving my ship so much but jokes on you because once EDI was unshackled she was the funniest person I had ever met. And part of that was because her jokes would scare the shit out of everyone,” Joker laughed weakly, as did a few of the other crew members. “She may have been an AI but EDI was human in every way that counted, and I'm going to miss her,” Joker's tears fell fast as he wrapped up his speech.

“I didn't know her that well, but... She was a damn good fighter too. Without her I know Shepard wouldn't have succeeded in taking down Cerberus,” James said.

Liara cleared her throat, “I'll always remember how she told everyone I was the Shadow Broker.”

“I'll always be embarrassed about the sexual comments I made about her voice when I though she was a VI. And I'll never forget how she asked me about them without realizing how uncomfortable that made me,” a few crew members chuckled at Traynor's story.

“I wont forget the time she told me Shepard and Tali were, uh, well, y'know,” James stumbled into silence.

The death of the ship's AI was easier to swallow than the death of their Commander.

The crew gave a moment of silence to EDI.

“Tali,” Liara whispered, gently pushing her forward.

In Tali's hands was the plaque baring the name _CDR Marcus Shepard_. She ran her fingers over the name and desperately wished he were there.

She was crying. The crew was crying. Commander Shepard had touched each and every one of their lives in one way or another, and now....

She didn't even have a body. His tags. Nothing.

She had a stupid old sweater she stole from his cabin and a name to stick up on a wall.

Slowly, Tali faced the room. “We have no proof that he's dead,” she said.

Liara spoke, her voice as soothing as she could make it. “He didn't make it in time for the retreat.”

“Just because we left him behind doesn't meant that he's dead!” she cried.

Garrus stepped forward. “Do you want me to put it up?”

“Nobody is putting it up! For all we know, Shepard is alive and looking for us!”

“Tali, see reason! He was on Earth. Charging the beam. If he made it to the Citadel he wouldn't have survived the fall back to Earth. And if he didn't make it to the Citadel...” Liara left the rest unsaid.

If Shepard didn't reach the Citadel, then he died trying.

A sob ripped though Tali's body, and she clutched the metal rectangle to her chest.

Garrus and Liara looked at each other for a moment, trying to figure out what to do, what to say.

James and Traynor made eye contact and began to disperse the crew. Shepard's memorial wouldn't happen on that day, and nobody needed to stick around to watch Tali's very private break down.

In the end Garrus, Liara and Tali came to the compromise that Shepard's name would rest at the bottom of the memorial until they received proof that he was dead. Until then, Tali refused to put it up.

* * *

 

“Your armor was destroyed. You were cut out of it when you were recovered. This,” the nurse said, holding up a plastic bag, “Is all that was recovered from your body,” the nurse sat the bag down on Shepard's lap. “Try and get some rest. You've been though a lot and the Admiral is coming to see you tomorrow.”

Shepard turned his attention away from the nurse and onto the bag in his lap. He could see already that his tags were in there with the ring EDI had given him, and the photo he had hastily swiped from his cabin before he left.

Moving slowly he took the tags out of the bad and hung them around his neck, annoyed that they had been removed in the first place. Then he just stared at the bag.

Inside was the photo of Tali. Unmasked, and beautiful, the love of Shepard's life.

He was scared to take it out. What if it was ruined with blood or burnt or something? Nobody would tell him what happened to the Normandy, so he had no clue if the photo was the last thing he had of Tali. And if it was ruined...

He closed his eyes, stuck his hand in the bag and pulled out the photo. He took a deep breath, steadying himself, preparing for the worst.

The edges of the photo were worn, soft, and dirty. The bottom right corner was torn and there was some blood splattered on the back of it. But by some miracle, her face was virtually unmarked.

Shepard brushed the empty bag off of his bed, and lay back, the photo of Tali resting on the pillow beside his head.

 

 

 


	2. You Know Why We Came Here and What We Are Fighting For

Shepard was sitting in a small room in a hospital bed when Hackett walked in. The room was nothing like the main hall. The main hall, which was where Shepard, and most patients, were was clean. It was far from perfect, and it needed repairs, but it was as good as could be expected.

The floors in the main hall were dust free. The walls were lined with plastic to prevent dust and rubble from entering. Visitors were expected to be quiet and carefully disinfect themselves before entering.

So much had been lost in the war, it would be a shame to lose more now from an infection.

This room however... It was in one piece, and seemed pretty solid. But there was dust everywhere, and scorch marks on one wall that made it look like a grenade had gone off. There was no blood though, and Shepard was thankful for that.

“Commander Shepard,”Hackett said, pulling out the chair from the corner of the room.

“Admiral Hackett.”

“I'm glad to see you survived. Was it hard to get into this room? The nurses complained when I requested it but I think given the nature of our conversation, a small, private room would be best.”

Shepard looked at the Admiral for a long moment. Despite being a solider and a survivor, and goddamn determined to get back on his feet ASAP, the transfer to this room had been an ordeal. It was during that transfer that he realized he couldn't walk, and could hardly hold his own weight.

But that was irrelevant.

“What exactly is the nature of our conversation, sir?” Shepard asked. He had a feeling he knew, and he dreaded it.

“Shepard I need to know exactly what happened during the final push,” Hackett said, and Shepard frowned.

“You mean what happened on the Citadel?” he asked. It was Hackett's turn to frown.

“No. Nobody made it to the Citadel.”

“Yes they did! I was there, and so was Admiral Anderson and the Illusive Man. The Illusive Man was trying to control the Reapers but he was indoctrinated and they wouldn't let him,” Shepard paused and looked at Hackett. He didn't look disbelieving, per say, but Shepard could read the confusion loud and clear. “Maybe I should start from the beginning,” he said. Hackett nodded.

* * *

 

_She is covered in blood and his only thought is that he has to get her out of there. He had to get her out of there now, because if she dies then so does his reason for fighting the Reapers in the first place._

“ _Take her!” he yells. Despite the sharp demanding voice, he is gentle as he hands her over to Liara._

“ _Shepard,” Tali protests. If she was in better shape he would grab her hand and run. If she was in better shape they could end this together._

“ _You need to get out of her,” he says. His voice softens when he talks to her, but it is clear that he will not allow her to come with him. Despite this, she argues._

“ _I can't stay behind,” she says. Her voice is mechanical though her suit, but even so her emotions ring clear._

_Heartbreak._

_Shepard's heart hardens. He cannot let his emotions effect him like this. Not right now._

“ _Don't argue with me, Tali!” he tries to make his voice strong. To leave no room for argument. Instead, it comes out as a plea._

“ _Don't leave me behind...” she pleas. Shepard can tell she is close to tears, and it breaks his heart. He doesn't want to leave her behind. He wants to take her into his arms and hold her. He wants to kill the Reapers and come back and..._

_He accepts his death as a fact and not a possibility._

_He steps forward, putting a hand against her helmet and desperately wishing he could touch her just one last time. “I need you to make it out of here alive Tali,” he says. “Get back to Rannoch. Build yourself a home.”_

“ _I have a home,” she says. He knows shes crying. He can feel it in his heart, hear it in her voice. “Come back to me.” Shepard drops his hand and turns his back on her without another word._

_He doesn't expect to come back, and he can't let her see that on his face. He cannot let her break his heart anymore._

_He has to stop the Reapers._

* * *

 

He wiped at his face and cleared his throat. “Sorry,” Shepard said. “Those are the last few minutes my memory is totally clear, and it's just hard to talk about,” more tears rushed down his face as he tried to explain himself.

Anger bubbled in his chest. Commander Marcus Shepard did not cry.

“Take as long as you need, Commander,” Hackett said. “This war was hard on everybody.”

* * *

 

_He runs at the beam, as fast as he can. He allows himself to hope. If he got there fast enough that he would live again. See Tali again._

_Tali._

_His last memory will not be of her crying._

_He runs faster._

_Harbinger's beam is tearing up the ground around him. He jumps to the side. Rolls forward until his feet are under him, and then he is running again._

_He jumps over dead bodies, and runs. Tanks flip ahead of him as they are hit by Harbinger's beam. He hears screams as people are killed, screams as they lay dying; and still he runs._

_Harbinger's beam is in front of him. Tearing up the ground. Rubble is sent flying._

_Something hits his stomach; he is sent backwards, and crashes he into the ground._

* * *

 

“After that it gets a lot less clear,” Shepard said.

Hackett nodded. “Tell me what you remember.”

* * *

 

_Harbinger gets up and flies away. Over the com voices demand retreat, give up, and claim everyone is dead._

_His armor is gone. Most of it blasted off. He must have gotten hit head on for that to happen._

_Pain flares though his body at every movement. He screams into clenched teeth, and wraps his fingers around a pistol._

_Everything is wet and slippery. There are bodies everywhere, piled on either side of him, and he tastes blood in his mouth._

_Voices whisper in his head._

_Kaiden Kaiden Kaiden Kaiden Kaiden._

_Ash Ash Ash Ash Ash._

_Wrex Wrex Wrex Wrex Wrex._

_A Reaper scream echos though his mind, and he falls to his knees._

_Water, wet and cool, flows under his hands. He wants to lay down, to sleep peacefully. No haunting dreams, no shadows calling out to him._

_He stumbles to his feet._

_He has to end this._

_Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve._

_Miranda Miranda Miranda Miranda Miranda._

_Thane Thane Thane Thane Thane._

_A Reaper creature shoots at him. He shoots back until the thing falls._

_Samara Samara Samara Samara Samara._

_Legion Legion Legion Legion Legion._

_Krogan Krogan Krogan Krogan Krogan._

_He stumbles into the beam, body screaming._

* * *

 

“You heard voices?” Hackett asked. His face is a hard mask that Shepard cannot crack.

“Yes. Whispers more like. Like in the weird dreams I had. But this time they weren't saying things to me. This time they were whispering names.”

“Of people who died because of you?”

Shepard paused. “You could say that,” in truth it was things he felt guilty over.

“Keep going,” Hackett said. “I wanna hear all of it.”

* * *

 

_He's on a ship. It has to be the Citadel._

_The air is hot and heavy. He feels like he can hold it in his hands._

_It smells like death. Like blood. Like decay._

_Everything hurts._

_He stumbles to his feet. Anderson in talking to him. Asking him to talk about his surroundings. He's up here too, and just a little bit ahead._

_**BAAAAAAAAAWHOOOOOOOOOOOOMP.** _

_He stumbles forwards. Keeps stumbling forward._

_Anderson. He sees him at a control panel._

_Relief washes over him._

_Anderson moves. Jerking. Stumbling._

“ _I... can't,” he hisses._

_The Illusive Man enters, walking smoothly, but looking more husk than person._

* * *

 

Shepard clutched at his head.

“It hurts. Thinking about it brings in that noise. The Reaper noise,” he said. “And the conversation is fuzzy.”

Hackett was leaning forward, elbows resting on his knees. “Whatever you remember is fine. Sum it up of you have to.”

* * *

 

_Darkness clings to the edge of his vision. Preventing him from moving. Whispers ring in his head._

_The Illusive man rants about how the Crucible has the power to grant him control over the Reapers._

“ _Look at what they can do!” he cries. Shepard feels the Illusive Man flex his mind._

_The gun in his hand goes off, Anderson gasps, but doesn't fall._

_The Illusive Man makes sure of that._

_He continues ranting. Shepard struggles to use his voice, to tell him how wrong he is._

_Indoctrination._

_Indoctrination._

_Indoctrination._

_Shepard shoots him, and he falls._

_Dead. Dying. It's all the same._

_He stumbles forward and opens the arms of the Citadel._

* * *

 

“Holy shit, Shepard. That's one hell of a story,” Hackett said, leaning back in his seat. His face was hard to read, but Shepard assumed there was something of astonishment.

“It's not over yet.”

 

* * *

 

_He sits next to Anderson, clutching at the bullet wound in his side. His hands are slick with blood._

_He does not remember getting shot there._

“ _Quite the view isn't it?” Anderson says._

_Shepard nods. The view is nice, but nothing compares to an unmasked quarian._

“ _You did it, son. I'm proud of you,” it's Anderson that speaks,but Shepard hears the voice of his father._

_Commander Shepard is dying, and he finds himself afraid._

“ _Stay with me,” he begs. He doesn't care if its his father or if its Anderson. He just doesn't want to be alone. “It's almost over.”_

_He isn't sure if he's talking about the war or his life._

_Anderson groans, and a Reaper floats into view._

_He sits back and closes his eyes._

_James. He will rebuild Earth and become an N7._

_Liara will go to Thessia. She'll rebuild too, and make herself a home. She'll use her information networks to find information on missing people._

_Cortez will help soldiers get closure on losing loved ones._

_Joker will go find his sister, and EDI will go with him._

_Garrus will go to his family, and leave the cold calculus of war in the past._

_Samantha will help repair alien ships. She'll give them a chance to get back to their homeworlds. To their families._

_Tali. Tali. She'll be okay. She'll--_

“ _Shepard,” Hackett's voice comes onto the com, jerking him out of his thoughts._

_He looks around. Groggily, he realizes Anderson is dead._

“ _What is it?” he slurs his words. “What do you need me to do?”_

“ _The Crucible. It's not firing. It has to be something on your end,” Hackett says._

* * *

 

“I never said anything like that,” Hackett said, frowning. “I didn't even know you were alive until you were pulled from the wreckage.”

Shepard frowned. “It gets worse.”

* * *

 

_He can't get to his feet; his legs are too weak. He crawls forward, smearing blood everywhere._

“ _I don't see...” he mumbles. “I'm not sure how...” his hands slide over a console as he tries to pull himself up; tries to find a button._

_His hands slip, too bloody to grip anything. He falls onto his stomach._

_Darkness washes over him._

 

“ _Get up,” the voice echos in his head._

_He struggles to his feet, and is met with a view of the child from his nightmares. He doesn't trust the child._

_The air here is no longer hot and heavy. It does not smell like death. Here the air is cool. Clean. Filtered._

“ _You have a choice to make,” the child says._

_Shepard's hand wraps around his gun. He wasn't sure where the gun came from, but it comforted him._

“ _I am the Catalyst,” it says._

“ _I thought the Citadel was the Catalyst,” he says. His words are no longer slurred, and while he still clutches the bullet wound, he is no longer bleeding._

“ _No. The Citadel is part of me.”_

“ _I need to stop the Reapers,” he gasps. That's all he can think about. Stopping the Reapers.”Do you know how I can do that?”_

“ _Perhaps. I control the Reapers,” Shepard wants to grab the bastard and rip his head off. He is responsible for this, and Shepard wants him dead._

“ _The Reapers are my solution.”_

_Shepard hesitates. “Solution to what?” he asks._

“ _Chaos. The created will always rebel against the creators,” it says._

_Images of the geth and of EDI flood his mind. The war against the quarians. EDI helping destroy Cerberus. It was right._

“ _We found a way to stop that from happening. A way to restore order,” It continued._

_Shepard shook his head, desperately trying to clear it. To make sense of this._

“ _By wiping out organic life?”_

“ _No,” it was firm, and sent shudders down Shepard's spine. “We harvest advanced civilizations, leaving the younger ones alone. Just as we left your people alive the last time we were here.”_

“ _But you killed the rest!”_

“ _We harvested them. So they could make way for new life, storing the old life in Reaper form.”_

“ _We'd rather keep our own form,” Shepard says, looking at a Reaper though the window._

“ _No, you can't. Without us, synthetics would destroy all organics. We've created the cycle so that never happens. That is the solution,” its voice echos in his head._

_He takes a moment to clear his head._

“ _You're taking away our future. Without our future, we have no hope. Without hope we might as well be machines, programmed to do what we're told.”_

“ _You have hope,” it says. It sounds pissed. “More than you think. The fact that you are standing here, the first organic ever, proves it,” the thing pauses for a moment. “But it also proves my solution won't work anymore,” Shepard waits for the thing to continue, but is met with silence._

“ _What now?” he asks._

“ _We find a new solution,” it says, as if the answer was the clearest thing in the universe._

“ _Why are you telling me this?” he asks. “Why help me?”_

“ _You have altered the variables. The crucible changed me. Created new... Possibilities. But I can't make them happen. If there is to be a new solution, you must act. It is now in your power to destroy us,” it says._

_Shepard's heart soars. Destroying the Reapers is what he came here to do. What he was born to do. He decides he doesn't need any more convincing._

* * *

 

“So you chose to destroy them?” Hackett interrupted. Shepard hesitated

“Yes. But not right away. You said nobody made it to the Citadel?”

“I did,” Hackett said.

The sun was setting, and Shepard could feel sleep calling him.

“Then maybe I should tell you the whole story.”

* * *

 

“ _But wait,” it says, the second Shepard has made up his mind. “Others will be destroyed as well. The Crucible will not discriminate. All synthetics will be targeted,” it pauses. “Even you are partly synthetic._

“ _But the Reapers will be destroyed?” he asks._

“ _Yes, but the peace wont last. Soon your children will create synthetics and then the chaos will come back.”_

_He doesn't want that. He doesn't want more geth and quarians._

_He wants the Reapers gone._

“ _There has to be another way,” he says._

“ _There is,” it sounds smug. “You could instead use the energy of the Crucible to seize control of the Reapers.”_

“ _So the Illusive Man was right after all,” he says to himself._

_But he wasn't. He was indoctrinated. He couldn't control them._

_The child confirms this, then adds:_ “ _You will die. You will control us, but you will lose everything you have.”_

“ _And the Reapers... They'll obey me?”_

_The child speaks, but Shepard's mind is racing._

Will anyone let the Reapers keep existing? Even if I can control them, who's to say they won't keep attacking the Reapers? Then I either let them wipe out the Reapers, or kill all them myself.

_He grunts._

“ _There is another solution,” it says, hurriedly. “Synthesis. Add your energy to the Crucible's. The chain reaction will combine all synthetic and organic life into a new framework; a new DNA.”_

_It seems like a good idea._

_He hesitates._

“ _I don't know.”_

“ _Why not? Synthetics are already apart of you. Can you imagine life without them?” it asks._

“ _No. I'd be dead without them,” he responds. It is true. He knows it is true._

“ _As would your friends,” it says._

_He hesitates still. It makes a good point._

“ _The Reapers will cease their harvest,” it says._

_That is what he wants. The Reapers to stop._

_But..._

“ _Synthesis is the peak of evolution,” it says._

_Shepard makes no movement._

“ _The geth and the quarians are a prime example of this. Are there not quarian children who will grow up healthy on Rannoch because of them?” it seems to stop talking, but quickly adds, “The peace will not last. This is not true synthesis.”_

_His mind races._

“ _Tali said that,” he hisses. “Tali told me about the quarian children.”_

_The child doesn't react._

_Anger rushes though him._

_He watched that kid burn. He watched himself burn, because of that kid. He doesn't trust it._

_His hand tightens on his gun._

“ _I came here to destroy the Reapers,” he says._

_The child starts to protest._

“ _I came here. To destroy. The Reapers,” he says again. Louder and firmer. He steps to the right. “I'm gonna blow them back to hell. And you can go with them.”_

* * *

 

“You were considering choosing synthesis?” Hackett asked, disbelief evident in his voice.

Shepard nodded. “Yes. Until it said the bit about the quarian children, I was convinced.”

There was a moment of quiet, and exhaustion washed over Shepard in a suffocating wave. His hed fell back and his eyes slid shut.

“We're almost done here, Commander,” Hackett said after a moment. With great effort, Shepard sat up and opened his eyes. “You said that the child, the Catalyst, used the same words Tali'Zorah did when she told you about Rannoch?”

“Yeah.”

Hackett nodded slowly. “Tali'Zorah vas Normandy? The quarian with whom you--”

“Yes,” Shepard said, cutting Hackett off. “That Tali.”

There was another pause, and Shepard closed his eyes again.

“I don't know what to make of your story, Commander. But you need to sleep, and I need to... Digest this,” Hackett stood up, and Shepard did a halfhearted salute out of respect. “I'll be back tomorrow. I'll tell you what happened on our end.”

“And what happened to the Normandy,” Shepard said.

All he cared about was the Normandy. About Tali.

Hackett left without another word, and Shepard was asleep before he was back in the main hall.

 


	3. I'm Not Sure If I Should Show You What I've Found

Nearly two months had passed. The crew of the Normandy had grown used to the hot and humid weather of the jungle. They accepted the fact that they were stuck there. They accepted that they couldn't contact anyone off planet. 

They didn't like it, but they had accepted it. 

They worked on making the Normandy less ship and more shelter. They worked on collecting water and hunting for food to supplement their supplies. Joker and Tali spent more time trying to figure out why communication was down than they did anything else, but nobody minded. Everyone had someone they wanted to contact. 

* * *

 

"So we're just gonna except her denial?" James asked leaning against the Normandy. Liara was beside him, and she shrugged. 

"I don't know what else we can do. Shepard is gone and I think he'd like us to take care of her. For now I think that means letting her believe he's okay."

"Doc, it's been two months. She can't still think he's alive. Not rationally anyway," Liara sent him a look and he raised his brow. "It's Shepard we're talking about. The guy may have held everything at arms length, but damn, he loved her."

"I fail to see your point, James," Liara said, coolly. 

"My point is that he'd have found a way to contact her. To tell her he was okay." 

There was a long pause then Liara snapped her fingers. 

"Unless he couldn't!"

James took a step back, raising his hands defensively. "I don't want you to go all biotic on me, but isn't that the point? If he can't contact her he's dead."

Liara shook her head and began pacing excitedly. "Yes, but no. The blast from the crucible. What if it damaged the relays? Or even just the Charon relay? That would delay communications, at least until they could fix the Charon relay!" she looked at James, grinning. 

"But you don't honestly think Shepard survived?" he asked. Liara's smile faltered. 

"No, I guess not. But it explains why we haven't heard any news," she bit her lip and looked at him with hopeful eyes. "Besides, we can't know for sure what happened to him, until we hear news. We can guess, but we don't know," she said. 

James rolled his eyes. "I think her denial is contagious."  

She hit his arm. "Think about it though. We don't know he's dead. We have no contact with Earth. Why should we mourn him when he could be alive and well?" 

"I... Dunno. Maybe. I still think it's wishful thinking," he said. 

"Well, don't ask Tali to mourn him. She already did, and two years later he waltzed back into her life and swept her off her feet," Liara smiled and sighed gently at the memory. 

James watched her and smiled. 

"You weren't even there," he said. Liara shook her head, lost in thought. 

"No. But I heard. And I was there on the SSV Normandy, where they first served together," she was about to continue, but broke off and shook her head. "I'll tell you about it sometime, James," she said. "But I need to discuss my theory with Tali and Joker," she smiled wistfully. "Always work to be done, isn't there?" 

"Man, we're on a planet with no Reapers and no Cerberus. I thought we'd finally caught a break." 

Liara sent him another wistful smile. "I wish that were the case," she said, as she disappeared into the Normandy. 

* * *

 

“If Shepard was alive he would have contacted us,” Liara said, pacing what was left of the bridge. “That would be his number one priority, if only for Tali's sake.”

“It wouldn't be his number one priority if the Reapers were still around,” Joker interrupted.

“Jeff, the Crucible was armed. It is likely it fired and I would assume that it would have worked,” Liara responded. Joker rolled his eyes.

“But we don't know that for sure,” he said. Tali waved a hand at him, a clear gesture telling him to shut the hell up. He listened, and Liara continued talking.

“Anyway, as I was saying. Since we haven't heard from Shepard, and have no news from anyone else, I would assume that the Relays are damaged and preventing us from hearing anything,” she said.

Tali sat up excitedly, and Liara almost regretted the way she had broached the subject.

“So you do think there is a chance Shepard is alive?” she asked.

A brief internal battle took place inside Liara.

“I'm sorry Tali,” she said. “But I think that it is extremely unlikely that Shepard survived,” Tali deflated visibly, and Liara quickly found somewhere else to be.

* * *

 

Tali had claimed Shepard's cabin for herself. While it was the biggest cabin and was largely undamaged, nobody had the heart to protest.

Tali was the only one to ever enter it, though. The rest of the crew treated it a bit more like a memorial to their Commander.

Despite her better judgment, Liara stood outside his cabin, guilt heavy on her shoulders. She knocked quietly.

Tali didn't tell her to come in, but the door slid open.

Tali was laying on his bed, with his sweater in her arms. The rest of the room looked unchanged.

“I'm sorry,” Liara said. “I wasn't entirely truthful earlier,” she hesitated for a long moment, then took a seat on the foot of the bed, angling her body so that she was looking in Tali's direction .

“Honestly I don't know if Shepard is alive or not. But I know that you and I mourned him for 2 years and that he ended up being fine. I also know that I don't want to give you false hope. I don't want to say that he is alive when I don't know,” Tali sat up as Liara spoke.

“You get it,” Tali said.

“Get what?”

“Me,” Tali responded. “And Shepard,” when Liara just looked at her confused, Tali continued. “I mourned him for 2 years. I thought I lost him, and then he came back. You saw his body. You knew he was really dead. But he came back. This time, we don't even know if he's dead. Mourning him now is stupid,” she said. Liara nodded.

“I loved him too. When we were on the SSV Normandy,” she said. “I wasn't stupid though. I saw how he was with you. How you were with him. Everyone saw how into each other you were. How sincere your affections were,” Liara smiled at Tali. “I know it hurt me when he died, so I can't even begin to imagine how you felt when he passed,” Liara shook her head, and tried to make eye contact with Tali. “I can't even begin to comprehend what you're going though now, especially with how your relationship has grown from the SSV days,” the girls sat in silence for a moment, then Liara grabbed Tali's hand.

“I won't ask you to mourn him. I won't judge you for not mourning him. But I won't give you hope either. I don't want it to hurt more than it has to,” Liara finished. For a long moment, Tali said nothing.

“No news is good news,” she said finally. “Shepard taught me that.”

“That can be taken many ways, Tali,” Liara replied.

“I know,” she said. Liara didn't push it.

“I'm here for you,” she said.

By the end of the night, Liara could add _comforting a crying quarian_ to her life experiences.

By the end of the night, Tali considered Liara one of her closest friends.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry if there are editing mistakes. I edit myself and I am a bad editor. Sorry!


	4. I'm Petrified of Being Alone

Shepard was in the room again, awaiting Hackett's arrival. His thoughts were occupied however, trying to understand what this meant.

The fact that there were two distinct versions of what happened meant something, he just wasn't sure what. He hoped that Hackett's version would help clear things up.

“Commander,” Shepard sat up as fast as his injured body would allow, and saluted the Admiral.

“Admiral,” he said. Hackett nodded, acknowledging Shepard's greeting. Shepard relaxed into his bed, and Hackett pulled up the same chair from the day before.

“I have a lot of questions,” Shepard said.

“I hope I have the answers,” Hackett replied.

The men sat in silence for a moment.

“I'll save my questions for the end,” Shepard said finally.

“Very well.”

* * *

 

“We ran at the beam with everything we had. But that Reaper, Harbinger, it had us over powered. What ever we threw at it, it destroyed. And the other Reapers wouldn't let us get close enough to Harbinger to take it out. We very nearly lost, Shepard.”

Shepard wanted to interject, to ask what had happened. To ask what had changed. To ask how they had won if nobody made it to the beam. But he was still recovering, and he needed to save his energy to ask questions after.

“We couldn't get anybody to the beam, try as we might. Eventually Hammer forces had to retreat,” Hackett suppressed a laugh at Shepard's horrified expression. “They needed to regroup, or else they would have been slaughtered and we would have lost. From what I understand they were bickering over how to charge at the beam. Some wanted to break off and try and go around to the side, while others thought that the best bet was a second charge at the beam. I believe the quoted you, Shepard, claiming it was victory or death.”

Shepard was pleased that in a moment like that, people felt the need to quote him of all people.

“They wanted your input but you were no where to be found. So they followed your words. “Victory or death,” and charged at the beam. It was suicide.”

“Admiral Anderson?” Shepard asked. “Did he make it?”

Hackett shook his head. “No. He died charging the beam. We had a memorial for him.”

There was a moment of silence.

“May he rest in peace,” Shepard said. He nodded at Hackett, a gesture for him to continue speaking.

“Between the first Hammer charge and the destruction of the Hammer forces, the geth noticed something off about the Reapers. A slight lag. Not enough for us to get a proper advantage over them. But enough for us to deal some damage,” Hackett paused. Shepard just grinned. The image of the largest fleet ever assembled kicking Reaper ass was a happy one.

“Shortly after that the arms of the Citadel opened and the Crucible docked. We know for a fact that nobody made it to the Citadel, so how it happened we aren't sure, but-”

“What have you told the public?” Shepard interrupted.

“So far, the most that we have said is that we are trying to piece together what happened in the final moments of battle,” Hackett replied. Shepard nodded.

“To sum up the rest of it, the Crucible fired shortly after, and the Reapers fell. There seems to have been a side effect from the blast though, as the Relays are damaged. The Charon Relay is currently undergoing repairs.”

All of this was a little overwhelming to Shepard. He leaned against his pillows and thought over the new information for a moment.

“I don't think what I experienced was reality. Or at least not 100% reality,” Shepard said at last. Hackett nodded.

“Shepard, I don't know what happened to you down there. But I don't think--”

“Indoctrination maybe?” Shepard suggested. Hackett looked at him like he had lost his mind. “Sir, it fits. I had strange dreams, I was hearing voices. The Catalyst looked like a boy I watched die on Earth. A boy that nobody else had seen...” Shepard trailed off.

“Maybe,” Hackett said after a moment. “But you can't tell anyone that. The fear that the Reapers is still fresh. If people think that you were being indoctrinated, they would kill you.”  
“And indoctrination doesn't explain the Citadel opening,” Shepard said. Hackett nodded.

Shepard wanted to press the issue, to get to the bottom of things, but he couldn't. There were more pressing matters.

“How long can you hold of the press before they demand to know what really happened?” Shepard asked. Hackett sighed and rubbed his forehead. He was clearly stressed.

“Honestly? Not much longer now that you're up and we've talked,” he said. Shepard smiled a tiny bit.

Once again there was a large issue in the world and once again everyone was looking to him. It was exhausting, yes, but he would be lying if he said he didn't like the attention.

“So what are you going to tell them?” Shepard asked. There was a moment of silence from Hackett as he thought of his response.

“I think I may ask you to give a speech,” he said.

* * *

 

The sun was setting when they wrapped it up, but Shepard still had questions.

“Sir? I have tried to be patient with this. As a solider, I should put my duty above my emotions, but I have to know. What happened to the Normandy?” What happened to Tali?

Hackett looked at him with pity. He had known this question was coming. He dreaded it.

“When I ordered retreat the Normandy, along with several other ships, ended up fleeing though the Relay. I don't know where they are Commander, or of they are still alive. With intergalactic communications down, it is impossible to check in.”

Shepard's heart sunk, his eyes burned, and his throat tightened.

“Thank you, sir,” he said. Hackett nodded, bowed his head, and exited the room. Shepard, in his relative privacy, let a sob tear though his body.

He survived the Reaper attack. He sent them straight back to hell. Yet he still felt like he had lost everything.

 


	5. The Fire in Your Veins Is Just a Joke You Tell Yourself

Shepard sat in a wheelchair dressed in Alliance Navy blue. A drone hovered in front of him, and a reporter stood behind the drone.

Shepard wasn't pleased with this part of the arrangement. Mainly because his track record with reporters was shit, and he still had no reason to like them. But he knew this was necessary.

“Commander Shepard,” the reporter began. “Is it true that you are the reason the Reapers were defeated?”

He isn't modest.

“Yes I am.”

“Would you like to explain to us how that happened?” the reporter asked.

The answer is no. He would rather be talking to the people in charge of reestablishing intergalactic communications.

“Gladly,” he said. “Hammer forces were charging at the beam in the last bit,” he smiled charmingly. “I assume this is the time period you're referring too, ma'am. Since we all know I am responsible for assembling the largest force in the history of the galaxy.”

The reporter laughed and flicked her hair over her shoulder. “So charming. I don't understand how you got your bad track record with reporters.”

Shepard smiled, purely for the camera. “That is a story for another time,” he said. “But part of the problem is that they weren't you,” this was flirting and he knew it. It made him feel gross and filthy. He felt like he betrayed Tali.

It's just a line for show. To make everyone think I kicked the Reapers back to hell and that I'm fine.

“Anyway. As I was saying, Hammer forces were charging at the beam in the last bit. I was with my team when one of them got injured.”

“Who was your team at the time?” the reporter interrupted. Shepard swallowed his irritation and put on a smile.

“Two of the bravest women I have ever known,” he said. “Admiral Tali'Zorah vas Normandy, and Doctor Liara T'Soni. They're fairly well known, Tali is an--”

“Because they served on the Normandy with you,” the reporter interjected, with a smile. Part of Shepard was irritated with the woman for interrupting him. Another part was glad.

Who knew how much he could talk about Tali without losing it?

“Right. Anyway, Admiral Zorah sustained a fairly serious injury during the charge, and was unable to continue,” he paused, collecting himself before he continued. “I made the decision to call for an evac for both her and Doctor T'Soni.”

“You decided to rescue your friends while other soldiers died around you?” the reporter asked. Shepard had been expecting this question.

“Yes. It was a judgment call. Everyone on the Normandy is pretty elite in terms of skill, and almost all of them have lives outside of the Normady. Jobs that... Well, they involve fighting Reapers, but generally they're in a high position in their society,” he said.

“So you value quarian society over victory over the Reapers?” the reporter asked. Shepard had restrain himself from rolling his eyes.

“No. Admiral Zorah was unable to continue the charge. At that point I decided that both her and Doctor T'Soni should board the Normandy while I continued the charge. Should we have failed to take out the Reapers, Doctor T'Soni had a plan to warn future civilizations about the Reapers so that they could have a fighting chance. So, I called my ship and asked for an evac.”

“And around this time, Hammer was told to retreat and regroup.”

Shepard shifted around and sighed. “Yes. I didn't obey those orders. Earlier in the night I was told by an Alliance Admiral that there would be no retreat. So I continued on my charge.”

“And you made it to the beam,” the reporter said. “So what happened after you reached the Citadel?”

“It's all kind of a blur,” he said. “I stumbled around for a while until I found a control panel.”

“And the reason you didn't tell anybody you made it to the Citadel?” she asked.

“All I could hear on the com channels was white noise. I said several times that I made it, but I couldn't get through to anybody,” he lied.

“I see. So you got to the control panel...”

“I'm not sure what happened or how I did it. It was like I had fire coursing though my veins,” he grinned at the camera drone. “Adrenaline does crazy shit,” he said. “I got a message on the screen that said the arms were opening. I made the decision to run back the way I came. We had no idea how the Crucible would work. A friend of mine working on the Crucible said that he thought it would be like a bomb and just go off once the Catalyst was in place. So I made the, perhaps cowardly, choice to run for the beam. I figured it could serve as an exit as well. I was right. But when the Crucible fired, the beam broke, and I was thrown into the rubble where I am told I was found.”

The reported was silent for a moment.

“That is quite the story Commander,” she said at last. Shepard nodded.

“I don't think it's as impressive as the time that I took down the Reaper on Rannoch, but hey,” he smiled some more. “The war is over, so why should I complain.”

The reporter didn't ask how he was holding up. She didn't ask about the rest of the Normandy crew. He couldn't complain about it, either. If she had asked he might have lost it.

The truth is that there was a hole in him. What is Commander Shepard without his crew?

He's the first human Spectre, chosen because he watched his squad die at 25, and didn't go off the deep end.


	6. My Friends Are So Depressed

Most of the people residing in the Normandy were inside the remains of the ship, trying to sleep. James, Cortez, and Garrus however, were exceptions to this. Earlier in the evening they, along with some other crew members, had been playing poker. As the skies got darker, the others trickled off, until the three were left, sitting next to a small fire.

“I don't know how Tali does it,” James said as they cleaned up the remains of their game. “I can hardly hold onto the hope that we'll get off this planet, let alone hope that Shepard is still alive.”

“I don't know,” Cortez said. “If I had any reason to hope that Robert was still alive...” he trailed off. Nothing more needed to be said.

“You forget, Vega, she already lost him once,” Garrus chimed in, “She isn't eager to go though that a second time.”

“None of us are,” Liara said, approaching the fire. Cortez jumped, James grinned, and Garrus raised a hand in greeting. “Sorry. I heard that you three were still out here and thought I would check in on you. What were you just talking about?”

“James here,” Cortez said, jabbing a thumb in James' direction “was expressing his astonishment at Tali's hope.”

“Yeah. Vega's pessimistic about even getting off this planet,” Garrus added.

“Good friends you are,” James joked. “You're mighty quick to throw me under the bus.”

“I don't believe it's throwing you under the bus if they're telling the truth,” Liara said. Her concern was evident on her face though. “You aren't really losing hope of rescue, are you?” she asked.

James shrugged, trying to play it off. “I didn't think you were that kind of doctor.”

“She isn't. She is an archaeologist, who is concerned for her friend,” Garrus said. James rolled his eyes.

“I'm fine. Honestly, its nothing to worry about,” he smiled at Liara. “And if that changes I know I got friends I can talk to.”

“Good,” Liara said, taking a seat next to Garrus. She looked around, and noticed that they were cleaning up their poker game. “Ah. So, who won?”

“Well, lets just say that if we kept playing Garrus and James would be taking my clothes,” Cortez said.

Liara laughed. “Were you about to call it a night?”

“Nah, we just didn't feel like seeing Esteban naked,” James said, grinning.

“I suppose you could say that. What brings you out here?” Garrus asked.

Liara shrugged and looked up at the sky. “Like I said, I just wanted to check on you three,” she paused and smiled a bit. “And maybe I was hoping James had bet Lieutenant Cortez out of his clothes.” Garrus laughed at that, as James just looked indignant.

“Sorry to disappoint, doctor,” Cortez said, taking the teasing in stride.

“Besides, he just lost his husband not long ago,” James added. He placed his elbow on the table and flexed. “Not to mention that he is not one James Vega.”

Liara laughed. “Yes yes, I remember. You're the peak of physical fitness,” she said. James relaxed back into his seat.

“Well, if the awkward moment has passed, maybe we could talk about something else? Perhaps something less weird?” Garrus suggested. James grinned at Liara.

“Didn't you promise to tell me the story about Shepard and Tali?” he asked.

“I did,” Liara said nodding. “I just thought it would be more private.”

“Aw, c'mon Doc! Esteban doesn't know the story either.”

“And I was there when he was working with Cerberus,” Garrus added. “Y'know, when they first had their thing.”

“Yes, but you forget. I am the Shadow Broker. I know things even you don't know,” Liara said. Seeing the look on James' face she quickly added: “I don't give away peoples secrets for free, James.”

“Fiiineee,” he sighed. “But can you at least tell us the story?”

Liara and Garrus looked at each other for a moment then nodded.

“I suppose we can,” Liara said. She gestured at Garrus, and smiled. “And since you were there when the first met, why don't you start?”

 

“So we all know that Shepard was trying to take down Saren at the time. Out paths crossed when our investigations overlapped. C-sec was going to shut down my investigation and Shepard offered me an alternative. I took it. Long story short, we tracked down a quarian trying to sell information about Saren to the Shadow Broker or something like that. The details are fuzzy.”

“That's cause you're getting old, Garrus,” James interrupted. He turned to Liara with a grin. “So, Miss Shadow Broker. Was Tali trying to sell you information on Saren?”

Liara laughed. “Goddess, no. I was still an archaeologist at this time.”

“So when did you become the Shadow Broker then?” James asked.

“James, you asked to hear about Shepard and Tali, not about me. This is a discussion for another time,” she said. James nodded, and Liara gestured for Garrus to continue.

“Anyway, the entire Shadow Broker thing turned out to be a trap. Tali handed it really well, but she says that Shepard saved the day by showing up. Regardless, he was really kind to her, which for Shepard was a big deal," they all know what Garrus meant. Commander Shepard used to be one mean son of a bitch. He had softened a bit to his crew, but not a lot.

"So," Garrus continued, "Shepard was really nice to her, and she was just this awkward quarian kid, and--"

"Wait, she was a kid?" James interjected, disgust and shock clear on his face.

"Well, in quarian society," Garrus replied. James' disgust didn't seem to vanish.

"She was 22 at the time, James, and Shepard was 29," Liara said.

"That's only a 7 year difference. It's not creepy or anything," Cortez said.

"But she was a kid in her society!" James protested.

"Only because she had yet to finish her pilgrimage," Liara said. "And besides, nothing happened between them on the SSV Normandy," James relaxed visibly.

"Are we dong being weirded out by age? Yes? Alright let me continue. Tali was just this awkward quarian kid, and Shepard treated her with overwhelming kindness," Garrus said.

"Quarians are treated very poorly in the Galaxy," Liara said, "And Tali told Shepard this."

"He may have been an ass, but he wasn't racist," Garrus interjected.  Liara nodded.

"I know that he did everything he could to make the world a better place, specifically for the quarians. That was Tali's influence," Liara said.

"She had a crush on him from the start, and he felt something for her too," Liara grinned, listening to Garrus talk. "I don't know if he became a better person because of her but he certainly tried to make himself worthy of her."

"Back to the point of their feelings," Liara said, after Garrus finished. "Everyone knew how the two of them felt. It was obvious. Shepard spurned the advances of both Lieutenant Commander Williams, and myself," Liara's cheeks turned a darker blue. "He was intent on keeping his ship professional," she paused a moment. "Probably for the best. Most of my attraction to him had to do with the Prothean Beacon," she shook her head. "Sorry. I got side tracked. But as I was saying everyone knew how they felt," she turned to Garrus. "Remember how they used to awkwardly flirt?"

"God yes," he laughed. "We're no masters of romance ourselves, but this was just painful to watch," he said.

"Did any of it have to do with not understanding each other's customs or…?" Cortez asked.

"No, no, I think mainly it was inexperience," Garrus said.

"I think they were scared to scare each other away too," Liara added. "If they weren't going to be together in a romantic sense they still wanted to be friends."

Garrus nodded in agreement.

"So, everyone knew how they felt about each other. What happened next?" James asked.

Liara took a moment to look at him. His arms were on the table, crossed, and his head was resting on them. For a bad ass Marine, he looked mighty adorable.

When Liara didn't say anything, Garrus cleared his throat. "Well. Before the battle of the Citadel, Tali asked him for a copy of Geth data they had found. The data would have allowed her to complete her pilgrimage once everything was over. He didn't give it to her, not right away. It was classified data and whatnot," Garrus waved his hand. "Red tape."

"He did give it to her, though. Just before we were attacked by the collectors," Liara said. "Everyone knew how they felt, and I was just waiting for them to get together," she smiled for a moment, then her face fell.

"Then Shepard died?" James asked.

"Then Shepard died," Liara replied. "I ended up getting his body and handing it over to Cerberus. Two years later, Shepard is alive again and taking the fight to the collectors."

"And that's where I come in," Garrus said. "We ran into Tali by accident the first time. All of us on the SSV Normandy thought he was dead. We all mourned him. Seeing Shepard again was a shock for her. More of a shock than it was for others, I think," he said. "She had her own work to do, and didn't join us. Shepard, well, I remember him telling us after that mission that we would survive the Omega relay. We weren't remotely prepared for that yet, so I guess that says a lot. When we finally recruited Tali, well, she offered Shepard a grenade to blow up Cerberus. And Jacob Taylor got a little to friendly for Shepard's liking, and Jack and I had to talk Shepard out of throwing him off of the ship," James laughed at that.

"I would have thought he would have just wanted Tali to be happy," Cortez said.

"I think he did," Liara interjected. "So lets not forget how terrible Cerberus is, and lets not forget that, at the time, Jacob and Miranda were both very loyal to them," she said. There was a moment of silence.

"Right. So Tali joined us, offered grenade to Shepard to blow up Cerberus, Jacob almost got thrown out of the ship, and Miranda was questioning me about Shepard and Tali. Basically, the Normandy was chaotic. More so then normal," Garrus continued. "Then Tali was accused of treason, and within a minute of Shepard finding out we were en route to the migrant fleet. To keep the details of Tali's life more private, I'll sum it up. Her father died and she was facing exile. Shepard consoled her and convinced the fleet not to exile her," there was a pause. "I wasn't actually there when it happened, but I assume it was somewhat romantic since Jack mimicked barfing when I asked her about it," he said. "I think their relationship started shortly after."

"It did," Tali gracefully joined the four. "Although it was rather awkward."

Liara smiled at her, and gestured to a nearby seat. "Nerve Stim Pro?" she asked.

Tali stuttered as she sat. "N-no. How did you even-- Shadow Broker. Right."

James sat up and cocked an eyebrow. "Do I want to know?" he asked.

"I'll explain," Tali said. "Shepard made it a habit to visit me. I spent all my time in engineering. One day, he came down and I had a slight fever. It came up, and he asked how quarians got sick from non quarian germs. I explained that what we experience is an acute allergic reaction."

"I thought your immune system was weak from living in a sterile environment?" Cortez asked. James groaned.

"If it interests you I would be happy to explain immunology to you some other time, Lieutenant. Perhaps when Mr Vega isn't around," Tali said. "But for now I think he has other things he wants to hear."

"Thank you, Sparks," James said.

"No problem. Anyway, we started talking about suits. Quarians are in suits all the time. The most intimate thing you can do is link your suit environments with someone else I tol--"

"What about reproduction?" James asked. "Quarians have to make babies some how, right?"

"Most of that takes place over the suit, James," Tali said. Even though her helmet, he could tell he was being glared at. "As I was saying, I told Shepard that the most intimate thing quarians can do is link your suit environments. At first we get sick, and then we adapt. It is a huge gesture of trust and acceptance," she shot a look at James. "And something you must do before you attempt to reproduce," her voice took on a more nostalgic tone. "I guess the fever made my mouth work faster than my brain. I remember I was telling Shepard about the suits and I caught myself right before I confessed that I would only trust him that much. He knew what I was going to say. He said I didn't have to prove anything to him. I turned into an absolute mess and tried to explain that linking your suits like that signifies a willingness for intimacy. Then I tried to recover and say that it didn't always have to be like that. Of course, Shepard didn’t let that slide, and well," she laughed. "I remember I said "a dashing commander saves a young woman and lets her join his crew to save the galaxy. How could she possibly develop an interest in him?" I just figured if I was ever going to say something it had to be then."

Cortez smiled at her. "Shepard is one lucky man, Tali," he said.

"Yeah," James added. "It takes some serious balls to say something like that. Especially to Shepard."

Tali laughed again. "Thank you. So, I told him how I felt and he said he felt the same. Despite being happy, I was still awkward," she said.

"We love you, Tali, but aren't you usually awkward?" Garrus teased.

"Shut up, Garrus," she responded.

"So after that, you two were a thing?" James asked.

Tali shrugged. "More or less. The next time we spoke I just apologized for being unprofessional and irrational and selfish. He tried to reassure me that I hadn't been, but I was. Quarians always need to think of other people," she paused for a moment. "Thinking of him. At the time, the idea of him and I was selfish. I could have gotten sick and jeopardized everything. Shepard deserved closure though, so when he asked what I would do if I wasn’t hurting anything I told him the truth, which was the I would be with him, even though that meant risking death," Tali waved a hand and the astonished faces. "Its part of being a quarian. I can't live my life turning down things because I could get sick. I told him that too. He was perfect. He said he wouldn't blame me for being scared, and that he didn't want anyone else," the smile was evident in her voice. "I was awkward again. I just said thank you a bunch and we hugged," she was quiet for a moment. "The Nerve Stim thing is… It's a program that enhances nerve stimulation. It makes touching things with the suit on more realistic. Generally we don't need that, but I wanted to try it out so that I could feel things like the rest of you can. It wasn't bad or anything."

James laughed. "Nobody was judging you, Tali. You're an adult, you can make your own choices."

Liara flared her biotics. "Leave the poor girl alone, James, or I'll use my biotics on you again," she said.

Tali was thankful for the show. She knew Liara was doing it to get the attention off of her.

"Maybe I'll like it," James said, winking.

Cortez rolled his eyes and stood up. "Well, since you two don't seem to be getting a room, I'm going to head away from here. Good night," he said.

Garrus stood too. "I'm with him. Night."

Tali hesitated a moment. "Thanks," she said to Liara before joining the other two in getting some rest.

James and Liara called out their goodbyes before looking at each other.

"James, I don't blame you if you think we’re going to die on this planet," she said. "But we're heroes. They'll rescue us."

James sighed. "I know. But they'll have other things to do, and…" he trailed off and sighed.

"James. If Shepard is alive he will be pushing to recover the wreckage of the Normandy. He'll be desperate to find Tali, and by extension, us."

James nodded. "You should get some rest," he said. "I'm gonna stay here until the fire dies," he said.

Liara moved and lay on the ground beside the fire. "I'll stay with you. Star gaze until you're ready to go in."

James  didn't argue with her, only poked the fire with a stick, causing it to burn brighter for a moment.

 

Liara woke up the next morning to a dead fire and a very much alive, warm body beside her.


	7. Vitals Read Normal, Face Reads Murderous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Krogans suck at politics

Finally well enough to leave the hospital, Shepard was provided with a wheelchair, and told to report to Admiral Hackett, who was in a building down the street from the hospital.

Shepard steered his wheelchair down the road, hoping that Hacket had news of the Normandy. Debris was cleaned up off the street, buildings they lined the road were patched up but it was still clear there had been a war. It would take years to restore Earth.

It was a depressing thought. Earth  be was his second home, after the colony he grew up on, and to see it in such a state…

"Commander Shepard," a marine called to him from a doorway. "Admiral Hackett is expecting you, just in here," he gestured to the building behind him. "Do you need a hand with-"

"No!" Shepard snapped. With modern technology his wheelchair was capable of climbing steps at the touch of a button.

He let himself into the building, Marine standing at attention behind him.

The building wasn't clean. Dust was everywhere, and there was a hole in one wall. But for a temporary headquarters in the aftermath of a war like this, it was nice.

"Shepard," Admiral Hackett greeted him, as he walked into the entrance. "I'm glad to see you out of that hospital. How are you feeling?"

"I'm alive," Shepard replied. Hackett nodded.

"I see. I'm sorry to say that the galaxy needs your help again," Hackett said. "I know you would rather be resting."

He wasn't entirely wrong. Shepard would rather be looking for a way to find the Normandy. Short of that, he'd like to be in bed looking at Tali's photo, silently promising her he'd find her.

A bitter laugh escaped Shepard. "Ain't no rest for the wicked," he said; a half ditch effort to hide his bitterness.

Hackett seemed to buy  it. "That's an old saying, Shepard," he said. He turned around and gestured for Shepard to follow. "Wreav, Admial Raan, and the acting Primarch Petaso are waiting for you. Politics may not be your thing," Hackett walked towards a set of thick wooden doors, intact despite the war that had taken place. "But the fact is that you got the turians, salirans, and krogans to work together. You did in a week what politicians had been trying to do for years.  So I think you're the guy for the job."

Before Shepard could protest, Hackett had the doors opened.

"Commander Shepard. Glad to see you again. I wish I had some sort of good news to give you," Admiral Rann greeted him. In his minds eye, Shepard could see her smile.

Her face looked too much like Tali's and he was forced to swallow a lump in his throat as he rolled into the room.

"Well, unless it's a second Reaper invasion, it can't be that bad," he replied. Admiral Rann laughed.

The room was old fashioned. The walls were covered in some kind of hideous wallpaper/panelling mix, which was under a layer of dust, and the table in the center of the room looked like it had come out of an old vid. There were a handful of mismatched chairs around the table, but as for furniture, that was it.

Nobody was sitting, but Wreav was in the room, as was Admiral Raaan and a turian Shepard didn't know.

"Shepard," Admiral Hackett said, walking over to the turian. "This is Primarch Petaso."

"Acting Primarch. I'm the next one in line out of the turians in the Sol system," the turian said. Shepard extended a shaky hand.

"Commander Shepard. Nice to meet you," he said. Primarch Petaso shook his hand quickly.

"And of course you know Wreav and Admiral Raan," Hackett said. "So, I guess it's time for us to get to business," Hackett gestured for them to sit. Admiral Raan sat on the left side of the table, and Primarch Petaso on the right. Wreav stood behind a chair next to Admiral Raan, while Hackett sat at the head of the table. Shepard steered himself into the space across from Raan and next to Petaso.

"I suppose we first need to catch Commander Shepard up, before we move into actual discussion," Admiral Raan said.

Wreav kicked his chair. Shepard jumped at the noise, and reached for a pistol he didn’t have. "Bah! To hell with discussion! Now is the time for action!" Wreav yelled.

Shepard flinched.

"Calm yourself Wreav. Shepard cured the genophage for you. Your 'action,' can wait until he is caught up with current events," Hackett said.

Wreav kicked the chair again. Shepard flinched. "I cured the genophage, human! I owe Shepard nothing!" he said. Nonetheless, he pulled out his chair and sat on it, looking to Shepard like a moody teenager.

"I suppose you know that the Sol system doesn’t have enough dextro-amino food to sustain the dextro-amino population," Primarch Petaso said.

Shepard cursed himself internally. Of course he knew, he just hadn’t thought about it.

"Right," Shepard said. "So, getting intergalactic space travel up is a must. Once that’s up and running then we need to get dextro-amino food," he nodded to himself. "If we don't have an estimate on time, I think you should start on starvation rations as soon as possible."

"We already have," Admiral Raan said. "And I am sure I speak for both the Primarch and myself when I say that we agree with your priorities."

_Tali is my priority. The Normandy is my priority._

"The issue arises with the humans," Hackett cut in. "There are groups which think that human colonies should be our priority."

"I agree with them," Shepard said. He could feel the astonishment and disapproval radiating off of Admiral Raan. "Human colonies should be priority for the humans. But right now we can't just think of humans. Getting dexro-amino food is the priority of all of us right now. Human colonies come after."

"BAH!" Shepard jumped at Wreav's outburst. "Let the Krogan punish the turians and this becomes less of a problem."

Hackett sighed. "I guess the more pressing issue is that Wreav wants allies in taking out the turians in the Sol system," he said. Shepard had to suppress a laugh.

"Should we not have started with that?" he asked. "Doesn't matter. Wreav, no. Nobody is going to help you with this. It's madness," Shepard said, as weariness washed over him.

_God, I really miss Wrex sometimes._

"Foolish human!" Wreav yelled pounding the table with his fist. Shepard forced himself to appear calm. "I cured the genophage! Now we take revenge on our enemies!"

"Shut up!" Shepard yelled, leaning forward. "You didn't do shit! Do you really think the genophage is cured?" Shepard asked, anger dripping from his voice. "You're violent and impulsive, and I wouldn't trust you to reproduce if my life depended on it! Except the fate of the galaxy depended on it, so guess what? I sabotaged the fucking cure! Nobody is going to cure the fucking genophage until you can prove the krogan can be trusted! Everything you have done today had just proved that I made the right call!" Silence descended upon the room, as everyone absorbed what just happened.

Without warning Wrex slammed his fist onto the table, with enough force to snap it. Without another word, he stormed out of the room.

Shepard stared at the broken table for a moment. "I stand by my choice to not cure the genophage," he said.

Hackett nodded. "Good call."

 

Hackett, Raan, and Petaso decided that the table needed to be cleared away before they could resume talks. As the three of them were dragging the remains of the table into the corner of the room, a breathless marine burst into the room.

"Admirals, Primarch, Commander," she said. Shepard recognised the voice in seconds.

"Ash?" he turned his chair around, astonished. "I wasn't sure you were alive," he said. Ashley only nodded in response.

"I am. But we'll have time to catch up later," she looked at Admiral Hackett. "Sir, we have a problem. Wreav is out rallying the krogan. I have no idea what set him off, but from what I heard they're going to lead an attack down this street."

Shepard snorted. "End one war and start another," he said. "Anyway, I guess the real question is where can I get a sniper rifle in the next 10 minutes?"

Admiral Raan turned to look at him. "Commander, you can't honestly be planning to fight. You can't even walk!"

Hackett shook his head. "Lieutenant-Commander, find Commander Shepard a sniper rifle, and escort him to a roof. Remain there with him until this passes," he said, turning to the Primarch and Admiral Raan. "You'll both need to rally some troops to stop the Krogan. I'll take care of Alliance forces," he said. There was a collective nod as everyone dispersed, leaving Ash and Shepard in the room.

Shepard wasted no time. "Nearest sniper?" he said.

"There should be a store of weapons across the street," she replied.

"Then let's get a move on, Lieutenant."


	8. I'm Fucking Famous So I Don't Say Sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for any mistakes, this was only briefly edited.

Shepard grabbed a sniper rifle, and dropped a box of thermal clips on his lap.

"Roof?" he said. Ashley looked around for a moment, then nodded.

"We'll go on the roof of this building," she said, walking into a back room. Shepard followed her.

A sigh of frustration escaped when he saw that it was a ladder leading to the roof and not stairs.

"We could go somewhere else?" Ash suggested. Shepard considered for a moment, then shook his head. He could already hear the sounds of combat outside.

Shepard dropped the box of thermal clips onto the ground, and handed Ash his rifle.

"See you on the roof," he said, grabbing the rungs of the ladder and pulling himself out of his chair.

Though upper body strength alone, he started climbing the ladder. It was tough work, but with muscles screaming and his body shaking, Shepard pulled himself onto the roof.

"Shepard," Ashley said, following him onto the roof. "Do you need help getting to the edge?"

The answer was  yes. There was no way in hell he could drag himself to the edge of the roof in this condition.

Swallowing his pride, he nodded.

Ashly gripped him under his arms and dragged him towards the edge.

"Here's good," Shepard grunted. She didn't say a word, only handed him his rifle.

 

* * *

 

Gunfire rang though the streets, and a young marine ducked behind a fresh chunk of rubble. Her heart broke to see their rebuilding efforts be destroyed like this.

She fired her rifle at a line of approaching krogan. Other marines, as well as aliens, were firing at them too. Only a few of the krogan fell.

One broke off and charged at her. Desperately, she fired at it, emptying her thermal clip.

The krogan didn't fall.

The marine didn't drop her rifle. She didn't panic. She stood there, watching the approaching krogan, and accepted her death.

Blood of the charging krogan splattered onto her, and the krogan fell.

 

* * *

 

"Nice shot," Ashley called, as she leaned over the edge of the roof, and fired into the hoard of krogan below.

Shepard laughed, a genuine laugh of pleasure.

"You haven't seen anything yet."

 

* * *

 

She watched a nearby krogan ripped the head off of another human. Blood pulsed from the stub of the neck, and the krogan tossed it aside. It stomped on the head with a roar.

Brain matter covered the ground, and she fought back a wave of nausea.

"They're out of control!" the voice was deep and belonged to a turian. Nevertheless, she agreed. The krogan were out of control and they needed to be stopped.

 

* * *

 

Shepard waved his hand, and a small group of krogan were surrounded in a dim red glow, unable to move. His limbs pulsed with a newfound strength.

"Let's fucking win this," he screamed.

His voice was lost in the shouts and gunfire below.

 

* * *

 

A quarian was slumped against the corner of a building, clutching their suit and wheezing. The marine dashed over, feeling a desperate need to help them.

"Are you okay?" she yelled. The quarian shook their head.

She squatted next to them, hands shaking. She had no idea what to do.

The quarian shoved something into her hand. It was slippery with their blood.

"Please," they wheezed.

A grenade. Without thinking, she pulled the pin and hurled it into a nearby group of krogan.

Krogan screams filled the air as they caught on fire.

 

* * *

 

"I think that was my 17th head shots today," Shepard called. Ashley laughed.

"If Garrus were here you two would be fighting over that," she replied.

Despite all the adrenaline flowing through his body, he felt a pang of loss at the thought of Garrus.

 

* * *

 

 They fought well into the night, but in the end it was worth it. At least 95% of the krogan left on Earth had been killed. They seemed safe.

Ashley helped him down. He told her what started the battle in the first place as they made their way to the hospital.

"How does it feel knowing you almost started a war, Shepard?" Ashley asked. He grinned, knowing she was teasing.

"Whoops," he replied, shrugging.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey so little update: I'm almost finished writing the entire fic and will be posting chapters every Tuesday. That being said, I am a single kid, so each chapter is not as edited as it could be. I apologize for that.


	9. Share One More Drink with Me, Smile Even Though You're Sad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize in advance for any mistakes. Thanks for reading.

"I told you we'd met before," James said, leaning against the wall next to Liara.

"Briefly. I didn't even catch your name," Liara responded.

James grinned, "We still met," he said. A small smile crept onto Liara's face.

"If you insist," she said.

James began to speak again, but stopped when he saw Samantha sprinting towards them. He exchanged a look with Liara and the two of them jogged out to meet her.

"Sam, what's wrong?" Liara asked when they reached her. Sam shook her head,  gasping for breath.

"Joker," she wheezed. "He went for a walk this morning, and didn't come back. I went to look for him and --" she broke off with a cough.

"Where?" James demanded. Samantha gestured to the trail she had come from.

"Down there," she gasped.

Liara immediately started sprinting down the trail. James followed a second later, stopping to call for Garrus first.

* * *

 

 

Shepard slumped in his wheelchair, brooding in the way of a teenager. People around him, leaders like Hackett, were talking about the battle with the krogan. He didn't care. He needed to find the Normandy.

"On the topic of intergalatic communications," Petaso said. Shepard's head snapped up. "I believe we have successfully sent out a basic message, warning the galaxy of krogan aggression," Shepard fought to contain a smile as Petaso spoke.

"Did you mention fixing the relays?" Admiral Raan asked.

Petaso nodded. "We requested that everyone try and repair their relay so that we can re-establish space travel as soon as possible."

A grin spread across Shepard's face. "This is amazing," he  said.

 

* * *

 

 

It was sunny on the planet, but the wind was cold. The surviving crew of the Normandy stood over a muddy grave, shivering.

"He was a good man," Garrus said.

"And one hell of a pilot," Cortez added.

"He never left Shepard's side," Tali said. "Shepard… He gave Joker a lot of credit for the success of the collector's base. I agree. I don't think just any pilot could have pulled us though that. Joker… He was amazing."

Nods of agreement followed her statement.

"You know, I think he may have been the first person to literally fall in love with his ship," James said. A few chuckles followed his statement, and Liara wrapped her arm around his, leaning into his shoulder.

"It wasn't just the ship. Jeff loved all of us," she said.

Nobody said anything for a long moment, then slowly, the shivering survivors shuffled back into what remained of the Normandy.

 

"James?" Liara said, as the two of them slowly made their way to shelter.

"Yeah, doc?"

"I'm scared. I mean, during the war, I was scared I would live long enough to see the Reaper's win, but now… James, I'm scared I'm going to watch all my friends die while we're trapped here," she said. James said nothing, but after a moment pulled her into a hug.

"I won't let that happen," he said. "I'll fight death myself before I leave you here alone."

The image of James fighting a grim reaper version of death caused Liara to giggle.

"Thank you," she said.

James said nothing, but pulled back just enough to place a soft kiss on her forehead.

 

 

* * *

 

It was good news. He should have been happy. But he wasn't. Not totally. Anxiously, Shepard smoothed out the creases in his pants.

"When can we expect to hear back from others?" Admiral Raan asked.

"As early as tomorrow. As long as a week," Petaso replied.

Anxiety gripped Shepard with an iron grip.

_Tomorrow I could know if she's alive._

The rest of the meeting flew by while Shepard anxiously wiped his hands on his pants.

_I'll know tomorrow._

 

Hours later he was laying in bed, letting his body relax when Admiral Raan slipped in.

"Shepard. I hope I haven't caught you at a bad time?"

"No, it's a good time," Shepard replied, pulling himself up into a sitting position. "How can I help you, Admiral?"

The Admiral laughed, and walked over to the seat next to Shepard's bed.

"I didn't think you would be able to sleep. I know I couldn't," she said.

Shepard nodded slowly, his eyes fixed on his lap. She couldn't sleep because she had a planet to hear from. Him, because of one person.

"I love her too, you know," she said. Shepard's eyes snapped up. "She's family to me. I was there when she was born," Shepard sensed, or maybe imagined, Admiral Raan's warm smile. "I was sick for a week after," she said. "But it was totally worth it."

A pang of loneliness  hit Shepard. "I miss her," he said. His throat burned. "So much." There was a pause before he spoke again. "She um. She made me a better person, you know? I'm this hardened military commander. I can make the hard calls. That's my job, it's why I'm a Spectre. But I can't make those calls when it comes to her. She made me want to be nice to people and…" he trailed off and sighed.

"Commander, I have a question. Why did you make her get on the Normandy? I know Tali. She wouldn't have gone easy; she would've fought. Even if she was dying, she would've fought to stay."

Shepard sighed and shook his head.

"I didn't care. I still don't. If I died or not," Shepard looked at Raan, blue eyes blazing with intensity. "If Tali died, if she didn't get the chance to go make herself a proper home, then none of the fight was worth it," he said.

"So if it wasn't for Tali, you wouldn't have fought?" Raan asked.

"No. I would've fought, as was my duty. But it would've just been duty," Shepard paused for a moment, thinking about the Catalyst. About it quoting Tali. About the Reaper's odd behaviour. About the theory he had.

"If it wasn't for her, I honestly don't think we would have won," he said.

Ran didn't question it.

 

* * *

 

 

"I want Shepard," Tali said, sprawled out on Shepard's bed. "Or alcohol."

"Alcohol would be nice," Liara replied, sprawled out next to Tali. "But I think that would be unhealthy. As a habit, I mean."

"Or, Shepard and alcohol," Tali said. Liara hummed in response.

"Are you thinking Shepard alcohol an--" Liara was cut off but a loud buzz that echoed though the remains  of the Normandy.

"Keelah!" Tali said, springing to her feet.

"By the goddess, what was that?" Liara asked.

"A message," Tali said,  running for the door.

Liara followed her, hope bubbling in her chest.

 

James, Garrus, and Cortez were waiting for them at the console.

"Any idea of who it could be from, doc?" James asked. Liara shook her head.

"Hopefully it's from the Alliance," Cortez said.

"Hell, I don't care who it's from. This means that at least some intergalactic coms are up," Garrus added.

"Yeah, but the Shepard worked for the Alliance. They're the ones that would send us new of him," Cortez said. Liara sent him a look. She didn't want Tali to get her hopes up.

"Guys," Tali called from the terminal. "The message is from Earth."

 

_This message comes from the leaders of the turians, quarians, and humans on Earth. First, a warning._

_Urdnot Wreav instigated a battle here on Earth. Krogan aggression must be monitored carefully; turians and salarians are believed to be in specific danger. Secondly, the blast that defeated the Reapers damaged the relays. We ask that you do everything possible to repair them. This is of the upmost importance. Respond to this message as soon as possible with the status of the relay in your system. -- Primarch Petaso, Admiral Raan, Admiral Hackett._


	10. Moving Along in a Pace Unknown to Man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this sucks

Dressed in his best Alliance blues,  and propped up on crutches, Commander Shepard smiled at the camera.

"Food for our allies needs to be our first priority," he said. Behind the camera stood a reporter, and behind her was Hackett. "Winning this war has opened doors to intergalactic relations that otherwise would not be possible. We can't turn away from that. I know that humanity would rather focus on restabilising travel with it's colonies, but that doesn't matter when our allies are staving to death in our solar system," he paused for breath. Behind the reporter, Hackett gestured for him to continue. "I know a lot of people are going to be angry with that statement," he said. Shepard glanced down at his feet, then looked directly into the camera, blue eyes blazing. "But I know what it's like. Personally, I would like to find the Normandy. I would personally place that at the top of my list. But I know, and you know, that feeding our allies comes first. We will not let humanity's legacy be that we let the people who helped save us starve to death in our back yard because we were too selfish to help them." Hackett nodded his approval to Shepard.

"Then how would you respond to the fact that the Alliance nearly wiped out the krogen in the Sol system?" the reporter asked. Shepard had to fight to keep his eyes from rolling.

"The krogan were a threat. Their attempt at diplomacy ended in an attack on a hospital holding asari, turians, quarians, humans, and others. The Alliance, and the forces of the other races, took the action necessary to prevent more civilian casualties, not to mention an attempted genocide on the turians," he responded.

"Some say that your relationship with the turian on your crew led you to force the Admiral into a violent response before other possibilities had been explored," the reporter said. Shepard shook his head.

"Urdnot Wreav stormed out of a diplomatic meeting and began their attack before we had even left the room," Shepard responded. His voice was cold, and left no room for argument or further questioning. Shepard could almost see the reporter's mind spinning as she tried to decide if she could ask another question or if Shepard would snap her neck for thinking of it.

"The public would like to know your opinion on the asari plan to stay on Earth for the time being?" she asked, hesitantly. Shepard paused to think. "Well, there aren’t many here; the bulk of asari ended up staying behind to help Thessia," he paused again, and looked down. "They can't be blamed for this. The fall of Thessia was largely my fault. As such, I think the asari that are here in the Sol system are very selfless to remain here until they receive contact from Thessia saying it is safe for them to return," the reporter looked at him for a moment. Shepard could see the poorly masked shock on her face. It was clear she didn’t expect that response.

_Or maybe she didn't expect you to admit fault?_

Shepard grappled with that for a moment. The Reapers were all but unstoppable. Why should one man blame himself for not being able to push them off of one planet?

"One last question, Commander," the reporter's voice jerked him out of his thoughts. "How is your recovery coming?"

"Very well," he said. Suddenly he was aware of how tired standing up with the crutches was. He was aware of how painful it was. "I'm doing intense physical therapy, and things are going well," he smiled at the reporter. "I'm even walking a little bit. With crutches, yeah, but it's better than a wheelchair," he said. The reporter smiled.

"We're all glad to hear that, Commander Shepard. Thank you," she said.

Admiral Hackett thanked her quickly, before she was ushered out the door.

Once she was gone, Shepard made a slow and pitiful walk to a chair.

"Thank  you for doing this Commander," Hackett said. "You're the hero of the galaxy, and people listen to you."

Shepard took a drink of water. "They better."

 

* * *

 

"Shepard, you tough son of a bitch, how's it going?" Jack's voice echoed though hospital room, forcing Shepard to open his eyes and sit up. "Saw you on the net today. Already standing up, huh? PT must be killing you to have you walking already."

Shepard raised an eyebrow at her. "PT doesn't have to kill me. I think you forgot just how badass I am," he responded. Jack laughed, manically.

"Maybe," she said. "But I doubt it. If PT isn't killing you then maybe it’s the parts that Cerberus gave you forcing you to heal faster," she suggested.

"That's likely."

"Anyway, I didn’t just come for the visit. Chances are they don't want you staying in this hospital forever, huh? And since you only ever live on the Normandy and in prison," Jack grinned and Shepard glared at her. "I figured you might wanna crash with Ash and I for a bit."

Shepard blinked at her, dumbfounded. "Ash and you?" he asked.

"Yeah. We met once or twice on the Citadel, and after you kicked the Reapers to hell, we met again. Swapped some Shepard stories, shit like that. Long story short, she needed a place, I needed a place, so we got fairly nice place together," she said.

"There's a fairly nice place in a mess like this?" Shepard said. Jack rolled her eyes.

"It's got four walls and a roof. Which is more than your place has."

"Jack, I'm not even out of the hospital yet," Shepard responded.

"But you will be soon and then what are you going to do?" she asked. Her usual accusatory tone didn't bother Shepard.

He paused for a moment before responded. "Crash on your couch, I guess," he said.

"HA!" she smirked at him. "I'll let Ash know and we'll be ready for you when you do get out," she said.

Shepard thanked her and in no time she was out the door.

 

* * *

 

_Admirals, this is the Normandy. We would update you on the status of our relay, but we crash landed and have no idea where we are. Not all out our crew survived, but there are a substantial  amount of us. We are not in need of immediate rescue. We await further communications._

The message was short but Admiral Hackett knew that it would consume Shepard. He made the decision to keep it from him, until they knew if Tali was alive or not.

Admiral Raan agreed. The uncertainty killed her, and she felt the need to protect Shepard.

 

* * *

 

Sweat dripped down Shepard's face as he slouched into a chair.

"You're doing great," his therapist said. "But don't push yourself too much. Nobody will blame you if you need to use the wheelchair now and again."

Shepard glared at his therapist; a young man, about 30, with blonde hair and green eyes. "You're supposed to want my recovery," Shepard said. "You're not supposed to tell me to take it easy."

"Commander, with all due respect, I am afraid that you might be pushing your self too hard. If you push too hard, you might end up in worse shape and delay--" the therapist was cut off.

"I died," Shepard snapped. "I died and I came back. I'm not your average fucking solider. Stop assuming I am." The therapist looked at him shocked.

"I suppose… That at this rate you would be fit to leave the hospital by the end of the week. Presuming of course that you have a place to stay," the therapist said slowly.

"I do," Shepard replied. He stood up with a grunt. "Let's keep going."

 

* * *

 

Ashley was the one to help him up the stairs to the apartment, a week later. The apartment was a small, with two bedrooms and a bath. It was in amazing shape considering that the war had only been 3 and a half months ago.

"Thanks for taking me, Ash," Shepard said, easing himself onto the sofa once inside. "Your sofa is better than staying in a goddamn hospital," he grinned at her. "I feel like a cripple when I'm there."

Ashley shook her head. "You really think I'd force you to sleep on the sofa?" she asked.

"Ash, I may be an asshole but I'm not that much of an asshole. I'm not taking your bed or your room," he protested.

"And you won't. You'll in in Jack's bed," she replied. "Jack can sleep on the sofa or with me until we can get another bed," Ashley said. Shepard started to protest, but was shut down by Ashley. "You may not be a cripple but you aren't in good enough shape to sleep on a shitty sofa."

"You've grown some balls," Shepard said.

Ashley grinned. "That would be Jack's influence."


	11. Many Things Will Change but the Way I Feel Will Remain the Same

Garrus, James, Liara, and Tali were in the bridge. It had been a week or so since they responded to the message from Earth, and they were rapidly becoming annoyed. Of course, being trapped together on a random planet didn’t help.

"All we know is that the relays are damaged," Garrus growled mandibles twitching in annoyance. "We have no idea about Shepard," he leaned against a console, arms crossed.

"There's still hope, Scars. Even if Shepard is lost they won't just leave us here. We were, are, Shepard's crew," James said. Sprawled out on a chair, James looked relaxed at right at home. Liara shook her head at his comment. She was pacing the room, but paused next to James' chair.

"Garrus is right," she said. "We have no idea what will happen to us."

"And we could very well be stranded here without him," Tali chimed in from her perch on the arm of another chair. "Liara and the other humans might be okay, but Garrus and I…" she trailed off. "Unless we're in the Veil or Apien Crest we won't be rescued for a while. And in that case well…" she trailed off again.

"Well, what?" James asked. Liara swatted him.

"They might die James. That’s what," Liara said.

James thought for a minute. "But why the Veil or Apien Crest? What's there that’s more important than us?" he asked.

"Palaven and Rannoch," Garrus said. Also known as food sources for the quarians and turians currently trapped in Sol."

Realization hit James, causing his eyes to widen and eyebrows to rise. Liara had to supress a laugh.

"We'll be okay though," Tali said. "We'll probably hear from Shepard soon."

Garrus' mandibles twitched again. "Once the relays are somewhat repaired we should be able to get a call to Shepard though at least. Then we could get some answers."

Tali lit up. "You think he's alive then?" she asked.

"I don't know. But if he is, he'll pick up," Garrus responded.

Liara grinned at him. "Garrus that is a brilliant idea."

"I know."

There was a squeal from Tali as she launched herself at Garrus. "That might have been the nicest thing you've said since we landed."

 

* * *

 

James laid on the ground next to smoldering remains of a fire, looking up at the stars. Liara lowered herself onto the ground next to him.

"The longer I go without my information networks the more anxious I feel," she said, stretching out next to him. James looked over and grinned at her.

"I wish we were on a beach on Earth. Impossible to be anxious there, no matter how long you've been without your networks," he paused, just smiling at her. "And if you were still anxious we could go for a run. On the beach."

Liara laughed softly, and gazed up at the sky. "I think I would like that," she said. "To be on a beach on Earth."

"Would you like the running part?" James asked, drawing a laugh out of Liara.

"I'm not a solider like you, Mr. James Vega," she said. "I am an archeologist and information broker and running with you… Is not a fun time."

"Is it because I'm the peak of physical fitness and you're just a little more soft?" James teased.

"I may be softer than you are," Liara said, rolling over to face him. "But I'm still quite fit. You should see for yourself some time."

James laughed, turning his head so he was looking into her eyes. "And how exactly will I see your fitness?" He asked, eyebrow raised.

"Well," Liara drawled, "You could always use your hands."

James cleared his throat, and awkwardly glanced around, before meeting Liara's eyes again. "And, um, how would my hands determine your physical fitness, Doc?"

Liara laughed, breathy and elegant. "You're the expert James. Why don't you think of something?" The back of James' neck turned red, as Liara leaned over him to grab his hand. Pulling it across his body, she placed it on her hip. "You could start here…" She trailed off.

Swept away with the moment, James rolled on top of Liara, his hands on either side of her head. Her arms wrapped around his neck, pulling him down as their lips met in a hesitant, exploratory kiss.

 

* * *

 

"I never said that you said he was alive, Garrus!" Tali snapped. Garrus' mandibles twitched violently.

"You're acting like it," he growled back. Tali threw her arms up in exasperation.

In reality, it was a small fight. Anger over a translating error perhaps. But tensions were high. Not knowing about Shepard, or family, friends outside of the Normandy; all of it led to heightened emotions.

"You've been nothing but det kazuat since we got here!" she hissed.

"Just because I don't act like Shepard is alive? That's your problem?" Garrus roared in response. "I lost him too, you know! You weren't the only one. I'd rather find out he's alive than find out he's dead!"

"He was a friend to you! He was -- he IS my palla!"

Garrus' mandibles twitched again, but before anything could be said, Samantha stepped between them.

"Enough! Enough. You need to calm down. Both of you need to calm down. You're friends! Friends don't yell like this," she said. She forced an uncomfortable smile onto her face. "But really, this needs to stop before people see it."

Tali sighed heavily, and Garrus huffed.

"Fine," he growled after a tense moment. "I'm going to go do some calibrations. Or shoot something."

Samantha turned to Tali, about to ask if she was okay, but Tali was already headed outside. Samantha shook her head and sat down on a step and put her head in her hands.

"If we don't get out of here soon," she muttered to herself. "Those two might kill each other."

 

* * *

 

James pulled away, breathless. "I don't know if we should be doing this," he said.

Liara looked up at him, arms still around his neck. "Why not?" she asked.

"I dunno… It just feels weird. You are a bit of a legend, and you're like… One of my best friends and I don't wanna make things weird."

Liara grinned at him. "It isn't weird if I want it too," she said.

His lips were on hers in an instant.

"And for the record," Liara mumbled between kisses, "You're a legend too now."

 

* * *

 

Tali stopped dead in her tracks when she caught sight of James and Liara. Her heart swelled with joy; Liara would be happy and that was amazing but…

She felt like her chest had been shot.

_I just want Shepard._

Tears clouded her vision, and she stumbled back into the ship, the noise she made disturbing the couple. Once inside the ship, she staggered to Shepard's cabin, leaving behind a confused and concerned Samantha.

 

* * *

 

"Shit," James muttered, rolling off of Liara and springing to his feet. "Someone saw us."

Liara blushed, turning a darker shade of blue than usual. "I suppose we were in quite the compromising position," she said, holding out a hand to James. He took it, and tugged her to her feet.

"We were," he said.   
Liara sighed leaning into his chest; stealing one last moment of quiet together.

"This means something," James said. Liara nodded and leaned up to kiss his jaw.

"Indeed. But right now we need to go in and be adults."

They walked into the Normandy together, but not touching.

"Liara," Samantha called. "Thank god. Tali, she… I don't know. She's upset I think and I want to talk to her but I don't know what to say. Her and Garrus got into an argument then she went outside but she came right back in more upset than before." The blood drained from Liara's face.

_This is the worst thing that could happen. I didn't mean to cause her pain._

"Go talk to her, Doc," James murmured near her ear, as he nudged her forwards.

 

* * *

 

"I'm not upset," Tali said, as Liara walked in. She was spread out on her half of Shepard's bed. Liara, more hesitant than usual, walked in and slowly seated herself on the foot of the bed. "Just seeing the two of you makes me miss him. I'm happy for you, really. I just miss him."

Liara nodded, placing her hand on Tali's calf. "I did-"

"I know," Tali interrupted.  "I know. Just be happy with him, Liara." her words were more vicious than she intended, and Liara flinched.

"You'll see him again," Liara said. Her voice was soft and comforting, but Tali couldn't let herself buy into it.

"He might not be alive," she said. She sounded ready to cry; and in fact was fighting tears behind her helmet. 

"He might be," Liara replied.

Tali sat up frustrated. "But he might not be. It seems likely that he's dead. That is reality. And I need to accept that. I… I need to."

 

_A sob ripped though Tali's body, and she clutched the metal rectangle to her chest._

_Garrus looked at her, and they blinked away their tears. Shepard was dead, but they needed to figure out what to do about Tali. They needed to figure out what to say to her. How to comfort her._

_James and Traynor started sending everyone away._

_She took a step towards Tali, comforting words on her lips. Words that were not dissimilar to the ones Shepard had said to her about her mother._

_Tali fell, and before Liara could process what was happening, Tali was on the floor of the ship, sobbing, and begging for Shepard._

_"Marcus! Please! Please Marcus, please!"_

 

"Marcus may be dead," Tali repeated. Liara snapped back into the present, and looked at her friend with concern.

"And if he is?" she asked. Tali took a few ragged breaths, then a few steady ones.

"I move on," she said. In her mind she saw Shepard's face. The face that he would make if she was with someone else. She could see hurt, anger, betrayal. His lips would be thin and pressed together, his mouth as a whole looking like a cut left by a knife. The muscles in his jaw would clench and unclench as he ground his teeth together, trying to figure out why. Why this was happening. His Adam's apple would bounce around in his throat as he swallowed his tears. Tears that wouldn't fall (at least not in front of her). The implants in his eyes would glow a darker red, and Tali imagined that she could feel heat radiation from them. Heat, that would burn a hole in her heart.

Her throat felt thick. "I'd go and help my people. Build them homes. Help them set up so that the next generation can grow up healthy and happy."

"You'd work yourself to death," Liara said, half-heartedly.

"It’s the same I would do if Shepard and I never…" Tali trailed off. "If I work myself to death for the good of my people that’s fine."

Liara didn't disagree.

"You can still grieve if he is dead," she said. Tali nodded.

"And I will. But I'm not going to keep telling myself he's alive."

And just like that the conversation felt done. Liara had nothing more to say, no more words of comfort. Tali had nothing more to share, no more feelings worth sharing. She laid back on the bed, pulling Shepard's pillow closer to her.

"James… You and him are cute," Tali said. "You should spend the night with him. Human males, they are surprisingly warm."

Liara turned a darker shade of blue, but she left nonetheless.

James, after all, was remarkably warm.

 

 


End file.
